DRY SPELL IN ALABAMA

 

DRY SPELL IN ALABAMA

Alabama is so dry that:

The Baptists have started baptismal sprinkling in place of dunking.

The Methodists are using a wet wash cloth.

The Presbyterians are giving rain checks and,

The Catholics are trying to turn wine back into water.

MARRY A MAN?????

 

MARRY A MAN?????

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it... Then buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want .... Then buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies . 
Then buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores ... Then buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually . 
Then buy a dog.

But, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness... 
Then buy a cat!

Watch his nose twitch....

Now be honest, you thought I was going to say....then marry a man!

Oh My

 

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. " You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life"

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.

Doctor's Receptionist

 

Doctor's Receptionist....

 

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

 

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

 

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.....

 

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my d**k", he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

 

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The Receptionist replied, “Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something like that and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

 

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.” The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.

 

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes??"

 

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

 

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

 

"I can't p**s out of it," he replied.

 

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

 

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

Indian Horse

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona.

When her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."