Thursday, September 15, 2011

31 Minutes To Building A Better Blog

Darren Rowse of is running a campaign called 31 Days to Building a Better Blog. The idea is that bloggers are challenged to participate in a practical blogging tip every day of August. By the end of of the month you are bound to have a much better blog!

*Update (16 August 2007) Just to clarify, the rest of this entry is my attempt at some humour, so take it with a pinch of salt! For some tongue-in-cheek blogging advice, read on…

I think that ProBlogger’s campaign is a great idea, yet the title hints at a small dilemma – it takes a whole month. Thirty one days. Seven hundred and forty four hours. Forty four thousand six hundred and forty minutes!

Now, you see, the problem is that I am lazy and and I know you are too.

never even considered replacing an empty loo roll. Never.

We are the sort of people who climb over those ribbon-barriers in the bank instead of walking the zigzag. We park on the sidewalk, use the elevator and have never even considered replacing an empty loo roll. Never.

So, to make life a little easier, I have decided to save us all some time by compiling a minute-by-minute schedule for building a better blog in just over half an hour.

Make sure you have an ample supply of beverages at your disposal. Set your stopwatch, you wouldn’t want to overwork yourself now.

Here goes:

  1. Hydrate. Grab a delicious beverage of your choice. This will reveal a lot about who you really are and inspire you to blog from the heart. Remember, if you are over 18 you may be downing a cold one, but this could affect your judgment during the remaining 30 minutes…
  2. Check your RSS Feeds for some fresh inspiration. “Inspiration” is such a long word, so you can call it “inspo” if you like.
  3. Open all RSS links in your browser until each tab is only about 20 pixels wide. Since we all have different ideas about what constitutes “interesting links”, make sure the last tab is BBC News or the likes, so you can quickly switch to that and avoid suspicion if your boss/spouse/mom walks by.
  4. Log in to your blog and create a new entry.
  5. Come up with a good title for your new post. Make sure it contains some of the following words: Lindsay, Lohan, Nude, Pictures, Harry, Potter, iPhone, Simpsons or Pimpmobile. This is purely for SEO (search engine optimisation) purposes.
  6. You’re probably getting thirsty by now. Dehydration is a real risk for devoted bloggers, so feel free to grab another beverage.
  7. Start off your entry by explaining how busy you have been lately and why your readers should understand your lack of recent updates.
  8. If you want to look professional, a good idea is to find a suitable quote for the intro.
  9. At this point, you will need some tunes, so launch your media player of choice and crank it up. I would suggest something classical.Blink182 – Enema of the State would be a safe choice as it comes to about 35 minutes in total.
  10. Flick through all those web pages you opened and copy the links to your blog entry.
  11. Make sure you have an overwhelming list of links. People will love this, because instead of them having to surf the web for cool stuff, they can just link to your blog. This is called linkbaiting.
  12. Write a short outro for your new blog entry. Make a clever comment or two. It is always a good idea to place a question mark right at the end. This will trick visitors into commenting on your blog. The more comments you have, the better your blog will look.
  13. Hydrate. Don’t fight the feeling, I know you’re ready for another beverage. You can call it a “bevvie” if you like.
  14. Ok, we’re about half way now and we have been doing some serious hydrating, so you might want to take a quick toilet break. Don’t be tempted to replace the toilet roll, this will only waste precious blogging time.
  15. Read over your new blog entry. Ok, who are we kidding, just scan it.
  16. Publish it. Get that sucker online, don’t waste time!
  17. While waiting for the readers to come flooding, stretch your legs a little. If you are enjoying the music, why not take this opportunity to turn up the volume.
  18. Check your Google Analytics. Nothing yet? Well, it has only been 2 minutes.
  19. Send an email to your mom, reminding her to check your blog. Don’t forget to CC all contacts in your address book.
  20. Check Google Analytics again… just in case, you know?
  21. While you’re at it, it may be worth doubling the amount of ads on your blog. This post is probably going to be your big break in the blogosphere, so don’t compromise, monetize!
  22. Try creating some extra space for ads by going through your blogroll and deleting some of your friends.
  23. Thirsty? Of course you are. Grab a bevvie.
  24. Take a look at your blog online. Admire it for a while. Click all the links.
  25. Check Google Analytics. Hey, 1 visitor! Cool! Oh, wait, that was you…
  26. Get your blog to look more hip and happening. Update the colour scheme. Word has it that pastels are the new black.
  27. Oh, wait a minute, you forgot to tag your entry with keywords. No wonder nobody has found it. Quick, re-open the entry and edit it. Check step 5 for some ideas for tag keywords.
  28. Publish it. Again.
  29. Don’t forget to submit your new blog entry to DiggReddit
  30. Log out.
  31. Time to relax. Put your feet up and enjoy another beverage. Blogging certainly takes it out of a person!

I’m sure there are some quick fixes that I haven’t thought of… Maybe 31 seconds to building a better blog?